UPDATE?

So I haven't been on here in a few months....I've been going through a whole movie worth of events but i'm going to try and sum it up the best way that I can....

I've come to realize that something has changed in me....

I don't look or talk to me as I use to...it's almost as if im sooo use or comfortable as to the way things go and how people are...im never surprised.

I'm searching for new friends...

I'm looking for new "boo's"

I'm looking for different things to persue in school...

I'm honestly bored with life right now and I NEED some excitement

School for the most part has been the same but i'm not as passionate as I use to be. I feel like the whole "college" things has lost its flare and now i'm just stuck. I use to be excited to come to school and branch off into to new classes or new programs. Now I don't feel like doing much of anything but I know that I have to. I'm guessing that it's just where I am. I'm starting to think I should look into other schools and try to transfer and start off fresh.

IDK....

Maybe ever since my grandmother died....something in me has died and i've lost passion for somethings...Im trying to find myself again while learning new things as I go along.

As for a love or like interest, there is none and i'm tired of just casual sex. I want someone to be able to feed my every desire. Im not saying be my slave...im saying that I want this person to almost be my perfect fit. I want somebody that I can relax with and chill with everyother day. I want to be able to talk to this person whenever I feel and not be judged. Even if we do become sexual, I want it to be a mutual understanding between him and I and not be treated as a sex object. The crazy part is, I won't be able to find this because most men might think i'm asking for too much when I dont even want a relationship to begin with. I dont want a "sometimes guy" like sometimes he might like me...sometimes he wont...sometimes we might have sex or sometimes he might call me....i dont want my feelings to be played with because i'm too old for that now. If a person is only interested in having sex with me and then ignoring me the next day, it is not and NEVER will be worth it and i'm not that type of girl so I won't just fuck anyone just because. It seems like the things that I want are so simple but at the same time, its so hard.....so0o intangible. I'm hoping everything that I want slowly falls in my path soon.

R.I.P. Big Momma

Friends?

Okay so i'm def. starting to come to the conclusion that I don't need friends, well alot of them. Its only the second week into school and I have enough on my plate but I have naggin as people in my ear...."friends" Now don't get me wrong, i'm not being mean, i'm just being real because I'm tired of switching friends like I switch my sneakers and I'm tired of friends coming&going like seasons. This is not only for friends, this is also for other ppl whom I have some sort of relationship with. I guess I can divide it into diff sections:

1.Stupid people-I don't have the time or the patience to deal with friends or people that are doing stupid shit. Please don't add your stress on me, irritate me or get me involved over something completely stupid. I HATE when people don't use their brain and evaluate things...that's def. a pet peeve

2.Trust-I don't trust people. Simple as that, but the funny part about it is, I expect people to trust me to a certain extent. I mean I feel as though I can try to trust people but there's just been too much going on for me to not ASSUME that people are going to overlap the same traits...I honestly don't have time for that.

3.Tolerance- I can honestly take but so much and this piggybacks off my first two because I can't tolerate people doing stupid shit and expecting me to trust them. I also cannot also be "SUPERSAVEAHO" If you are not responsible enough to handle certain things, please don't do it at all or do that shit on my time.

4.Personal emotions-People have been dipping into my bag of personal emotions and it's just stressing me out...I have supposed "friends" who I try to ride or die for but all they recently have been doing is riding on my fucking nerves.

At this point right now, it's almost as if i'm venting but I'm being deadass serious...i'm slowly getting drained and i'm ready to snap...so0o0 I don't even want a bunch of friends around me or people in general because I have to worry about me first. I need to worry about school, work, and just trying to get by everyday, I don't have time for bullshit so it's def. time for a change in my posture...introducing the no bullshit walk.

WALKS AWAY.....

The difference

I honestly am not in-love with you but I do love you

I'm actually still attracted to you but I don't want to be with you

I like having sex with you, but sex with you recently hasn't been enjoyed

I'd like to be friends with you but I don't think you would treat me like your friend

I'm a female just like the others but you don't treat me like the others

I like when you text me but I don't like when you text me extra late

I like the fact that you are sexually attracted to me but I don't like how you try to use me as a

BOOTY CALL

I like the fact that you never call me because I honestly am never going to call you

I've been trying to be distant from you but you prevent me from being distant

I hate the eye contact we have but I look to see if you are still looking at me

THINKING ABOUT ME

It's not okay to say whatever you want to me but yet you still do,

It's not okay to treat me however you want to treat me but yet you still do,

It's not right to disrespect me after all these years but yet you still do

So guess what you can do?

This lil 5'5 cute brown sash

You can kiss my ass

My nice actions towards you no longer last and your def. apart of my past

You can kiss my ass

I don't owe you anything at this point and you said yourself your'e not obligated to do anything for me

You can kiss my ass

There's no need to be fake or sugar coat shit

No longer do I need to fuck you

No more fun tricks on your dick

That's all I've been dealing with

Dark ass nights of sex&&bullshit

That's something I don't deal with

SO

We can smile in each other's face and say hi and goodbye

The difference is I came to realize that I'm over you and you haven't read between the lines to see it yet.

I am honestly done with you, but your'e not done with me yet?

cleaning out my closet

sooo im sitting here throwing away things from my past relationship. I found the stuff earlier and I laughed because it was memories that made me feel good. My ex and I have no intentions on being together again but when I started throwing the stuff away, it made me realize, this was the very same stuff/memories that helped me grow as a person and learn certain things since i was 14. even if i dont look at it all the time, atleast I know its there...so five years later this shall be a reminder of my youth and a ideal symbol for my adult hood...i have plenty of things from plenty of ppl so..you win some..you lose some...i trash some..i keep some. He threw his stuff away though..guess it didnt help him at all..so back in the box and in the trunk it goes and hopefully i will build new memories with this new guy..already got my first picture for my mirror. :) MEMORIES ARE A REFLECTION OF YOU..REFLECTION OF ME..REFLECTION OF WE..A LIFE LEARNED LESSON FILLED WITH LAUGHS,SMILES,TEARS AND BITTER&BEAUTIFUL POETRY.

sooner than later....

sooner than later im going to sweep him off his feet or hopefully he will sweep me off mines. He told me that he cant easy be swept but only time will tell...I cant help but laugh as i txt this from my phone right now...he just txted me "I miss you" hmmm is that right? cant be swept huh? 6 months later...

i'll always finish last

I cant understand til this day why im always placed on the back burner. Even when I give 100 and these bitches barely give in 50, they get the finest wine and its passed to me once its empty. I smile like everything is okay when its not, but i cry poor stories and countless heartbreaks when no one is around. Nobody has ever loved me and I cant understand why. When all I give is complete honesty and loyalty, while they yank me by my invinsible tie. Pushing my buttons until they are stuck,jammed,and unable to have a reaction, I am left to assume that I am not wanted. I fell in and out of love with my EX, and had several crushes...each leaving me to fall flat on my face. Left in my mouth is a taste of dirt,distater,and disappointment. I have no other choice but to assume that I should lock up my emotions,write down my hopeless romantic dreams, and let them set sail. I want to be able to give the gift that no one else has ever given, I gave myself to someone once before and I was left to cast away and burn, thought I would have learned but I kept going back because that was all I could ever know. Then another shimmied in my life and showed me things that I could only imagine in a novel but after many meetings I still remain single...its partially because im protectin my heart but I knew better to be anyones fool from the start. Darts being thrown at my heart from lies,haters,scavengers that use me. I hope that one day I wont have to wonder if the next person wont use me and abuse me. So until then, here I i sit here, a sweet simple girl, a secret hopeless romantic...ready to be swept off my feet..

vacationnnnnn fuck yess!!!

Sooo im going to OceanCity from saturday-wednesday and I cant wait!!! this will give me enough time to clear my mind and get my shit together because theres been alot going on. Im ready for the semester to start also because I will start working. Got some serious stuff planned for this upcoming semester