UPDATE?

So I haven't been on here in a few months....I've been going through a whole movie worth of events but i'm going to try and sum it up the best way that I can....

I've come to realize that something has changed in me....

I don't look or talk to me as I use to...it's almost as if im sooo use or comfortable as to the way things go and how people are...im never surprised.

I'm searching for new friends...

I'm looking for new "boo's"

I'm looking for different things to persue in school...

I'm honestly bored with life right now and I NEED some excitement

School for the most part has been the same but i'm not as passionate as I use to be. I feel like the whole "college" things has lost its flare and now i'm just stuck. I use to be excited to come to school and branch off into to new classes or new programs. Now I don't feel like doing much of anything but I know that I have to. I'm guessing that it's just where I am. I'm starting to think I should look into other schools and try to transfer and start off fresh.

IDK....

Maybe ever since my grandmother died....something in me has died and i've lost passion for somethings...Im trying to find myself again while learning new things as I go along.

As for a love or like interest, there is none and i'm tired of just casual sex. I want someone to be able to feed my every desire. Im not saying be my slave...im saying that I want this person to almost be my perfect fit. I want somebody that I can relax with and chill with everyother day. I want to be able to talk to this person whenever I feel and not be judged. Even if we do become sexual, I want it to be a mutual understanding between him and I and not be treated as a sex object. The crazy part is, I won't be able to find this because most men might think i'm asking for too much when I dont even want a relationship to begin with. I dont want a "sometimes guy" like sometimes he might like me...sometimes he wont...sometimes we might have sex or sometimes he might call me....i dont want my feelings to be played with because i'm too old for that now. If a person is only interested in having sex with me and then ignoring me the next day, it is not and NEVER will be worth it and i'm not that type of girl so I won't just fuck anyone just because. It seems like the things that I want are so simple but at the same time, its so hard.....so0o intangible. I'm hoping everything that I want slowly falls in my path soon.

R.I.P. Big Momma

Friends?

Okay so i'm def. starting to come to the conclusion that I don't need friends, well alot of them. Its only the second week into school and I have enough on my plate but I have naggin as people in my ear...."friends" Now don't get me wrong, i'm not being mean, i'm just being real because I'm tired of switching friends like I switch my sneakers and I'm tired of friends coming&going like seasons. This is not only for friends, this is also for other ppl whom I have some sort of relationship with. I guess I can divide it into diff sections:

1.Stupid people-I don't have the time or the patience to deal with friends or people that are doing stupid shit. Please don't add your stress on me, irritate me or get me involved over something completely stupid. I HATE when people don't use their brain and evaluate things...that's def. a pet peeve

2.Trust-I don't trust people. Simple as that, but the funny part about it is, I expect people to trust me to a certain extent. I mean I feel as though I can try to trust people but there's just been too much going on for me to not ASSUME that people are going to overlap the same traits...I honestly don't have time for that.

3.Tolerance- I can honestly take but so much and this piggybacks off my first two because I can't tolerate people doing stupid shit and expecting me to trust them. I also cannot also be "SUPERSAVEAHO" If you are not responsible enough to handle certain things, please don't do it at all or do that shit on my time.

4.Personal emotions-People have been dipping into my bag of personal emotions and it's just stressing me out...I have supposed "friends" who I try to ride or die for but all they recently have been doing is riding on my fucking nerves.

At this point right now, it's almost as if i'm venting but I'm being deadass serious...i'm slowly getting drained and i'm ready to snap...so0o0 I don't even want a bunch of friends around me or people in general because I have to worry about me first. I need to worry about school, work, and just trying to get by everyday, I don't have time for bullshit so it's def. time for a change in my posture...introducing the no bullshit walk.

WALKS AWAY.....

The difference

I honestly am not in-love with you but I do love you

I'm actually still attracted to you but I don't want to be with you

I like having sex with you, but sex with you recently hasn't been enjoyed

I'd like to be friends with you but I don't think you would treat me like your friend

I'm a female just like the others but you don't treat me like the others

I like when you text me but I don't like when you text me extra late

I like the fact that you are sexually attracted to me but I don't like how you try to use me as a

BOOTY CALL

I like the fact that you never call me because I honestly am never going to call you

I've been trying to be distant from you but you prevent me from being distant

I hate the eye contact we have but I look to see if you are still looking at me

THINKING ABOUT ME

It's not okay to say whatever you want to me but yet you still do,

It's not okay to treat me however you want to treat me but yet you still do,

It's not right to disrespect me after all these years but yet you still do

So guess what you can do?

This lil 5'5 cute brown sash

You can kiss my ass

My nice actions towards you no longer last and your def. apart of my past

You can kiss my ass

I don't owe you anything at this point and you said yourself your'e not obligated to do anything for me

You can kiss my ass

There's no need to be fake or sugar coat shit

No longer do I need to fuck you

No more fun tricks on your dick

That's all I've been dealing with

Dark ass nights of sex&&bullshit

That's something I don't deal with

SO

We can smile in each other's face and say hi and goodbye

The difference is I came to realize that I'm over you and you haven't read between the lines to see it yet.

I am honestly done with you, but your'e not done with me yet?

cleaning out my closet

sooo im sitting here throwing away things from my past relationship. I found the stuff earlier and I laughed because it was memories that made me feel good. My ex and I have no intentions on being together again but when I started throwing the stuff away, it made me realize, this was the very same stuff/memories that helped me grow as a person and learn certain things since i was 14. even if i dont look at it all the time, atleast I know its there...so five years later this shall be a reminder of my youth and a ideal symbol for my adult hood...i have plenty of things from plenty of ppl so..you win some..you lose some...i trash some..i keep some. He threw his stuff away though..guess it didnt help him at all..so back in the box and in the trunk it goes and hopefully i will build new memories with this new guy..already got my first picture for my mirror. :) MEMORIES ARE A REFLECTION OF YOU..REFLECTION OF ME..REFLECTION OF WE..A LIFE LEARNED LESSON FILLED WITH LAUGHS,SMILES,TEARS AND BITTER&BEAUTIFUL POETRY.

sooner than later....

sooner than later im going to sweep him off his feet or hopefully he will sweep me off mines. He told me that he cant easy be swept but only time will tell...I cant help but laugh as i txt this from my phone right now...he just txted me "I miss you" hmmm is that right? cant be swept huh? 6 months later...

i'll always finish last

I cant understand til this day why im always placed on the back burner. Even when I give 100 and these bitches barely give in 50, they get the finest wine and its passed to me once its empty. I smile like everything is okay when its not, but i cry poor stories and countless heartbreaks when no one is around. Nobody has ever loved me and I cant understand why. When all I give is complete honesty and loyalty, while they yank me by my invinsible tie. Pushing my buttons until they are stuck,jammed,and unable to have a reaction, I am left to assume that I am not wanted. I fell in and out of love with my EX, and had several crushes...each leaving me to fall flat on my face. Left in my mouth is a taste of dirt,distater,and disappointment. I have no other choice but to assume that I should lock up my emotions,write down my hopeless romantic dreams, and let them set sail. I want to be able to give the gift that no one else has ever given, I gave myself to someone once before and I was left to cast away and burn, thought I would have learned but I kept going back because that was all I could ever know. Then another shimmied in my life and showed me things that I could only imagine in a novel but after many meetings I still remain single...its partially because im protectin my heart but I knew better to be anyones fool from the start. Darts being thrown at my heart from lies,haters,scavengers that use me. I hope that one day I wont have to wonder if the next person wont use me and abuse me. So until then, here I i sit here, a sweet simple girl, a secret hopeless romantic...ready to be swept off my feet..

vacationnnnnn fuck yess!!!

Sooo im going to OceanCity from saturday-wednesday and I cant wait!!! this will give me enough time to clear my mind and get my shit together because theres been alot going on. Im ready for the semester to start also because I will start working. Got some serious stuff planned for this upcoming semester

As of right now...

At 4:00am, ive come to realize that im not satisfied with my life right now...some of the choices that ive made within the past few months were so fuckin stupid that im sitting back and wondering why? like why am i botherin with people that wont be benefial towards my life? why keep fuckin someone who doesnt even love me and i cant see a possible future with him?...its all been a waste of time and it ends here. i need to fix this and go down the right path before its too late. i just want to be able to hold my own and be stable..mentally,physically,emotional,and financial and most people in my life arent giving it to me.I FINALLY ADMIT THAT IM FUCKING DRAINED this just isnt working for me so its time for a new game plan...this may cause a change in me but its for the better to make my life better....im tired of doing for people when i dont owe them shit. sometimes my mind drifts off to the thought of what if? in some sort of fantasy world and i need to stop fuckin playin and face certain realities. its natural to be in fear of losing something but if its not benefial towards your life then wtf? soooo here it goes...im ready for Gods blessing and if my future doesnt involve you then so be it....at times i just feel like i only have myself, like im my own breed because people just dont understand and care so today declares a new perception of life...everybody always says "a new me" but i just think thats unrealistic so heres a toast to "a new future" a new beginning to a beautiful end...its time for Saliyha to move on and do me...what can be more deeper than that?...I just hope God keeps my feet elevated on the ground and my head in the clouds...closer to my dreams

THE TIME IS NOW.

Vision once being blurred, I couldn't figure out if I wanted to love. My heart has been selfish because of my past, abusive parents and a relationship I thought would last. Only if my eyes would have caught-on to show me the sense in things, I wouldnt have closed up. I have only loved once, this individual seen through my eyes like no other, now everytime I see him...my heart "runs for cover." It's like, when you gave the first person your "all" what's left for the next? I don't want to dish out left-over emotions and tarnished dreams. So I took three years to rejuvinate myself and to find a new me. Through my journey, I felt as though I was trapped in a box, no air and no light...leaving me to suffocate and blind my sight. A projecter displayed my past...parents who should have loved me but beat me "with care" & if I did something wrong, I was thrown down the stairs. All of a sudden, I felt my legs give in from under me, my leg was broke and all of my scars had reclaimed surface...I was re-living my past within these four walls. The projector then displayed my father & the night where my parents argued and I stayed at his house....he touched me that night. My body then began to hurt much more, I look down to see that my stomach had risen and the projector showed my ex love. Moments of happiness, holding hands, matchin outfits & chains and late nights..I began to smile but then it displayed H.E.R.....His. Every. Reason. to do me wrong. Soon i saw comments & messages from myspace telling girls to "come over to my place." then it fast forward to my face...showin me cry a hurricane. Then displaying the day where I lost a lovechild growing inside of me. I started to suffocate inside the box..my stomach felt kicks..the screen then split showin me pushin out blood and screaming...while he was on the other side fucking some girl as shes moaning and pleading to keep her virginity. The projector then vanished..I screamed for help because all of the emotions from the past were killing me. The baby was coming out, the wounds were re-openin my eyes were drowned by tears & I closed them in fear and got on my bloody knees to pray GOD please show me the way...then my chest caved open and out emerged a light. My body floating from off the ground..Im floating and my body had begin to open displaying pores of light. I cried and pleaded but soon my body begin to heal. This was a sign so I closed my eyes until the process was over. When I felt a sudden hault, I opened my eyes to see me in a field of flowers standing infront of a mirror. It said..."You are ready." The pain I endured from my past help me to heal and my tears help me gain sight for my future. I thought I didn't love myself until now...thought I couldnt love someone else until now...my heart is open...the time is now. I'm ready for love.

Fighting Feelings.

I like this guy...the problem is I CAN'T SEE MYSELF BEING WITH HIM. Just because I like someone doesn't mean we should be together..same thing goes for that emotion called LOVE.I've been single for some years now(LOL) and often I say I'm ready for another relationship but I think I'm better off being single at the moment. There is nothing wrong with being single and I don't understand why people sit there on their twitter and fb status saying "oooh i need a man" or"Ohh im so lonely tonight" when you know damn well you are not going to get something long term after that esp. if you got you ass and your breasts all up in the profile pics with your tongue our CHILD PLEASE. Single life is fine by me...I've been working quite well by myself and as I have been more involved with my studies and campus life in general, a relationship is nice but, I don't have time for it right now...leading to one if the reasons why I can't see myself with this guy that I like...that and I don't think were on the same level. I haven't known him for a long time so who am I to judge but I expect someone man or female if they are interested in someone, they will pursue them and he has yet to pursue me in a form of a relationship. I'm not into have a "cutty-buddy" either so that's just out the window. I'm analyzing him but myself at the same time because I'm open but I'm not here to be played. Most men and women are in their prime right now so they want to just live free. I'm enjoying my life right now but it's not for the parties and the foreplay, I don't have the time because I'm trying to make a living and I'm to stay in college as well as graduate in 2013. I also feel that because I am very mature for my age, a lot of men see me as intimidating because I'm so serious with certain topics and that I'm not one of these dumb ass girls flopping around and smacking my lip gloss in everyone's face. The silly GIRLS ( because they obviously are mature enough to be women) who do this daily make the real women like MOI look bad. Now don't get me wrong...I am not stuck up or high maintenance....to keep it real, I want someone who will not bullshit with me and my feelings. I haven't come across him yet and things take time. My last relationship did not work and that has been my only relationship period. I loved my EX but things just didn't work out, he wasn't on my level and he didn't have his head on straight so after 4 years (LOL) I moved on and opened my options...Now that I am in college and I am a women in process growing everyday, I have my fun, I party and play around but I am very serious about my studies and I can't let any man get in the way of that right now, esp if he's not going to support me. Now along the way, I met this guy and I have grown to like him but I'm trying to fight it because I don't know him well and I don't know what his intentions are.I like this guy but maybe what we need is time...who knows.

ThouShallNotLieOnYourPenis

So....I read something today that made me LAUGH. This guy I know had to nerve to try and become an overnight philosopher and try to educate people on sex. The topic was right but the speaker was wrong....HERE'S WHY: This fool was lying like every other sentence. UMMM HELLO? You can't try to encourage others if you aren't telling the truth and you def. can't judge people if you are doing the SAME EXACT THING. Now he sat here and tried to say our youth needs to learn more about sex and use condoms but hello you don't even use condoms yourself. * In Fabolous Voice* NO BUENO. Now don't try to make yourself look good and you know you have some skeletons in your closet. ThouShallNotLieOnYourPenis...I hate in this day and age that a man thinks his "sex game" is suppose to attract me to him and I hate that if i do want to pursue someone sexually, they can't answer questions that I ask. #1 PLEASE DO NOT LIE TO ME ABOUT YOUR NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS. If I'm asking you that means that I obviously can handle the number and I just want to know little about your sex history...I didn't ask who..what..where..when..and what position. I just asked for a number and I can gladly give the my number in exchange. Now, if you are uncomfortable..that's fine but that also tells me that you are uncomfortable with me..which means. WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX. I love a man's honesty so just be a realist. #2 USE CONDOMS. I was mad that I couldn't be in support of my N-sistahs and get tested down DC today but no matter what...condoms are my friend not my foe. Now, I know sometimes we slip up, I myself have done so in the past but be safe and #3 GET TESTED like why would you want to walk around and not know if your burning or not?..No but seriously a disease is not joke so go pee or get that little poke to get those results so it's not your life that you have to revoke. Understand? I myself am HIV NEGATIVE and safe sex and being aware has helped me keep this status so go find out yours. Last but not least...#4 KNOW YOUR PARNTER AND LOVE YOURSELF. Just because I said for men: ThouShallNotLieOnYourPenis doesn't mean that I don't have anything to say about females so ladies do me a favor repeat it with me...ThouShallNotLieOnYourVagina!! Now some people don't see sex as something serious...they just think it's "fun under the sun" but 3 months later when that tummy is turning into a round Bun..your smile will soon fade or if your get those papers say that your positive, those tears shall soon shed. Don't make the mistake of just giving yourself to anyone just because you know it's there and available. Know your partner. Why would you just openly have sex with a random stranger and you don't know what they carry or what they are capable of??..and ladies don't let these foolish men out in the world take advantage of you. Your body is one is your most prized possessions so please, take care of it. There so many people that are trying to rush and lose their virginity for what? Because "Everybody is doing it"? It's worth the wait...and LOVE YOURSELF don't let someone use and abuse your body. Ladies he's not the only one with that "bomb ass stroke game" and he should def. wear a condom if he cares so much. Men, we know there's some pretty women on earth but you don't have to have sex with her and you don't have let her manipulate you. Having sex is not a crime but just be aware of what you are doing and who you are doing it with.

So 19 Years later

Today I sat back to think about my life and what I've been through. I know for a fact that no one will be able to EVER understand the half. Though times were rough....I grew into the Diamond that I shine out to be today. I honestly didn't expect this much from myself but who knew how much my intellect would have grown just within a year. All the people that Ive had in and out of my life and those who are still here have helped me along the way. Then there are some that I haven't been able to point my finger on yet but I know that they are around me for a reason. Recently, Ive been feeling like I'm about to reach my "Break Through." I have no accurate explanation behind it but there's an internal feeling that's telling me otherwise. I am proud of myself because I left all of my problems in the past and turned negative events into motivation. Now, I'm not being stuck up or pointing my nose down on anyone because I have grown but I will have different feelings and views. Though I'm still young, I am very mature for my age and it surprises a lot of people. So, 19 years later here I am, single, free-spirited and on a mission...by any means necessary. I will achieve greatness.

"I remember"

Bored at 1:45 Am...Thinking

So I'm sitting here listening to Faith Evan's "You Used To Love Me" and I started thinking. Do some people actually get over their "first love"? I know a lot of people who are still involved with their first love or somebody they loved unconditionally and they aren't together and may actually have another partner. I wonder why this still occurs if supposedly you may be "over" this person? I myself still wonder will I ever get over my Ex-Boyfriend. The difference is, I was still and am still able to move on from him and life without feeling hatred in my heart nor still dealing with him. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be or it wasn't planned out right the first time. So you let GOD figure out what went wrong then he presents it to you both then you decide. I had several issues within my relationship that caused us to part but that didn't BREAK me...it HELPED me. I take somethings as a life lesson. Now of course I can sit here and remember the way that he use to love me, but I can also remember the way I use to love my dog. lol Nah but seriously, When you've found someone who you may have given your all to and that goes away, you might be hurt and still reminisce here and there. Sometimes I wonder "What if?" but the path I am on now answers to me "This is why..." IDK. Some people may not understand where I'm coming from but I'm just simply saying though you love some...YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY WITH THEM. You can love someone and be without them, because in the end, maybe that's the best thing to do for the moment or for eternity. Any new relationship that I may get into as I get older will know how I felt about my first love and how I handle love in general because L.O.V.E is a serious emotion. Though being with that out on the table I would NEVER step aside from my current partner to cheat with my EX. That's a ball of confusion and mistrust that I personally don't need and I can't understand why some people can deal with it.

Poetry....The Fein ©

One of my fav poems that I wrote....please do not steal...just read it and enjoy and if you tell others, give me my props...that is all..
©

I am the PoeticFein
Watch me steal metaphors, similes, and figurative rhymes
Then shoot them up and foam out my mouth creative lines
I am the Fein

Watch me take his,hers,and mines and turn it into the poem of a lifetime

Poems are my crack and it helps me fight crime
Blankman Blankman
Never do i go blank in my lines...
Poetry is for me what syrup is to Wayne
It takes me to my creative peak while still leaving me Sane
without poetry I would go through a withdrawl of no compounds
No nouns, no phrases, my mind is CONTAGIOUS
Filled with silly quotes and phrases
Satires,Stanzas,and Skeltonics
Literal,figurative,and implied
I could die because my truths in poetry tells no lies
They live inside of me through experience spreading and hitting nerves to my mind
Telling my brain to write about the other day when it rained...
Write about the poor...
MORE MORE....
POUR POUR me a glass of sestina and I swear I will be throwing up 6 lines
Playing with my poetry till I go blind
Poetry will be the death of me and when you bury me...
You better bury me with an allegory so that I can have more than one meaning beneath the surface
I am the PoeticFein
Im addicted ON PURPOSE

Trey Songz..Hold Ya Panties

Okay sooo i just finished watching Trey Songz "Yo side of the bed." That video was good because it had a message behind it, alot of music videos have lost their general concept because usually all you see is ass and titties and a beamer benz or bently (aayyyy thats my shit tho...lol) anyways, Trey Songz is good for some some erotic sexual stuff on every other video but for this video he took it down and I applaud him for that. As for the crying that everybody was doing after they saw the video, idk about all that lol..i'm not heartless..i mean i felt the video and all but I didn't cry. lol Keri Hilson did a Good job as well...Now Trey Songz in general, Idk if I'm crazy but I just don't get too hype about him...DONT GET ME WRONG....he is hella fine and the body....the body...I know yall see that picture on the left....lmao But I just enjoy his music...i'm not tryna get him behind an alley somewhere...

Technology ....I'm a Fan

So00o This is my Phone..HTC Tilt 2....This is a newer version ofcourse of the original Tilt under At&t. Apparently I made a mistake purchasing this phone or so my friend said but I have not one glitch with my phone. Its a sleek touch screen that comes with a stylus so you dont have to use your finger or nails all of the time and it comes with windows 6.5 which isn't too bad. I can search the web...use my apps...twitter, fb, blah blah...write resumes, essays whatever I need. My friend claims that it's going to crash in about a month but thats just sounds like some utter bullshit to me...i'm fine with this phone and i'm going to keep it...it's either this phone or an iphone. HTC carries good phones tho.... =]

Searching....

I'm searching for something but I don't know exactly what it is...
This missing puzzle piece to my master plan...it slowly irritates me day by day
Is it a love interest?
Is it a work interest?
This I don't know...But I'm waiting for whatever it is to be placed right before my very eyes...
I hope that it's not something obvious that I should Have known from the start.....
hmmmmmmmmm........

Summer is approaching...

Sooo the semester is over...can't say that I will miss it but then again...I cant say that I won't. I experienced so much stuff this semester...it was MIND BLOWING. From academics to my sexuality, I learned some things that I won't forget. My grades were fine but I wanted all A's, guess that's just another goal for next semester. Now it's time for summer. My birthday is slowly approaching and I'm not sure what I want to do but i'm hoping for something exciting. My friends left and I miss them already. I have a lot to think about over the summer and I feel like i will def. come back with a diff. state of mind. I haven't been on this blog in a while so I just wanted to put a quick update up...lol I'm going to be blogging a lot this summer since I won't be around....

Valentines Day......awhhhh NOTTTTT

Okay so I look on everyother status and it's something about valentine's day...."ooohh i can't wait." or "ohh i'm so inlove with you today." PUASE and REWIND.....

Just for today? Valentine's day just doesn't appeal to me anymore because I don't have someone that I truly care about to share it with and it's pointless...like why should i randomly pick someone to share this day with just so we can act like we like eachother and you'll try to get my panties off...NO THANK YOU

When I get a man....Yesss I am single...lol He's going to get my love 365, my love will not be limited for just one day.

In the back of my mind, I wish a certain someone was my valentine but that's never going to happen so let me just burst that balloon now and get over it...

anywho..i'm not completely evil about it....I mean for those who i know that have real love and love your partner everyday and do something special on v-day, that's cool...atleast you know yall are going to wake to to eachother the next day....I myself for now won't take Valentine's day seriously but to everybody else..HEY...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Friends....

I'm starting to think i grew out of the whole "friends" phase...

These days you don't know who you can trust because everybody is either lying or trying to be sneaky about something! I'm just so tired of it, esp being here at Morgan State...I don't plan on making anymore friends because I feel that it's just a waste of my time now...I need to get my degree and that's all i'm here for...

This is how we do it!!!

Okay, so i decided to create a blog to share what goes on in my life....I will be REAL about everything on here so if it's not for you and you can't handle it...dont read my posts...lol